Five reasons your lifestyle is keeping you single

This is the second entry of the Single in the City Series. This multi-part series is geared towards helping you become a healthier, happier single. Click here for Part 1 and Part 3.

Woman thinking

Woman thinking


Are you single? Have you been single for a long time?

Do you fear something is wrong with you because you’ve been single for so long?  Have you ever wondered if you’re doing something to keep yourself single?

Often when we desire change in some area of our life we need to take a step back and analyze our behaviors, patterns and thoughts to see if there are any areas that we need to adjust.  But if you’re not willing to take an honest look at your situation you’ll stay stuck in the same broken patterns wondering what’s wrong with everybody else.

Read below for some suggestions on why your current lifestyle may be keeping you single.

1. You keep doing what you’ve always done expecting different results

Take a moment to ask yourself a few questions:

  • Do you keep the same circle of friends, rarely ever meeting anyone new?
  • Do you attend the same social functions at the same locations most weekends?
  • Do you attend the same church services every week? Workout at the same gym at the same time most days?

If you answered yes to these questions it’s safe to say you’ve developed a routine.  Many singles have a routine.  They keep the same circle of friends, hang out at the same spots each week and talk about the same things.  While some predictability can be a nice thing, if you’re looking for change in your life you may need to mix it up a bit.

For example, let’s say you’re a single woman and most of the friends you hang out with are also single women desiring to be married one day as you do.  This scenario presents two problems: 1) if you only hang around with people in the same dating predicaments as you the competition for eligible men will likely be fierce and 2) you run the risk of only seeing life from you and your peers limited perspective.  The solution to this problem is two-fold: first you need to incorporate women friends from various seasons in life into your circle.  This includes married women, mothers, grandmothers, etc.; and listen to the wisdom they have to share about relationships and men.  Next, create a new routine for yourself.  This would be a great time to pursue that special hobby or interest you’ve always wanted, try a new gym or visit that church on the other side of town.  Yeah, it might be a bit inconvenient to drive to the other side of town to attend a new gym, social club or church but if you keep doing what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.

You never know you may even meet someone special all while pursuing a genuine interest of yours.  And we all know couples who share similar interests have more satisfying relationships.

2. You keep saying there are no good men

Have you met all the men there are in your town?  City?  State?  World?  Do you think all black people, white people, or Hispanics are the exact same with no possibility of difference? Probably not so you can’t say that.

I challenge women to stop saying “there are no good men in (insert whatever-city-you-live-in here)”.  You have not met every man that’s out there to meet, especially if you are living in the same routine yourself.  Gods’ power is unlimited and He’s motivated by faith and not negativity; furthermore your perception becomes your reality; try working on your perception and watch your life change.

We seem to easily forget that words have creative power, they put out energy so be careful of the atmosphere you are creating with your words.  Words can affect your attitudes, moods and thoughts so be careful what you speak.  There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which a strongly held belief becomes a reality despite it being based on false information, so watch what you say.

3. You don’t want to change.

A lot of people want to get something they’ve never had before without doing something they’ve never done before.  They don’t want to lift a finger or put in any effort towards making healthy lifestyle changes.  You have to remember anything worth having is worth working for.

I’ve had some guys decide they didn’t want to date me because my boundaries were too firm.  I took that to mean they didn’t want to do the challenging work of doing something that was not convenient for them, in order to potentially obtain something they claimed they’d always wanted.  A lot of people want a spectacular romantic relationship while only putting in minimal effort.  They don’t want to work, fight and grind for it.  The same way you work, fight and grind for your career, six pack abs or education.  Sadly these people will keep getting the same results.  Don’t let that be you.

4. You keep making poor dating choices thus ending up single.

I wrote a post about this here.  You  must be conscious of the type of people you are consistently choosing to date.  Are you constantly choosing Mr. Wrong?  Well then you can’t be surprised when he breaks your heart and leaves you high and dry when it’s all said and done.  To yield different results you must entertain different people, whether that means dating up, dating other nationalities or taking some time off from dating period.  Change in habits= change in lifestyle.

5. You are obsessed with finding “The One” i.e. getting married

I wrote a blog that elaborates on this here.

No one likes a needy person.  Have you ever asked yourself why you really want to get married in the first place?  There’s nothing wrong with desiring marriage and relationships, however if it consumes your life and is all you talk about, every waking moment it can be a turn off.

Healthy men want to know a woman has a life outside of who she is in a relationship and vice versa.  People who are always available when a man calls and jumps at his every beck and call are easy.  Not that I’m advocating for a game of cat and mouse here, but cultivating your own interests and passions as a woman makes you a more interesting person and a more desirable mate.  Develop a life that you love of your own while single.   I know too many women who quickly dump their girlfriends, sometimes life long ones, for the new boo thang only to wind up heartbroken a few short months later after he has revealed himself as Mr. Wrong.  At which point these women come crying back to their girlfriends.

Guys, however, act in a different pattern.  They maintain their friendships with the fella’s (at least while the relationship is still new) and they keep a separate life outside of dating.  Women can learn from this and practice similar behavior.

In conclusion, I encourage you to try one or more of the above strategies along with your own to facilitate relationship change in your life.  I firmly believe God honors sincere efforts; if you do your part He will do his.  We are partners with God.  Meaning you have a part to play in this journey as well as He.  But you can’t do His part and he won’t do yours.  Don’t be afraid of change, if might be just what you need to go to that next level in your dating life. 🙂



6 thoughts on “Five reasons your lifestyle is keeping you single

  1. Pingback: Single in the City Series Part 3: How to be a happy single | Lipstick and the Word

  2. Pingback: Single in the City Series Part 1: Who completes you? | Lipstick and the Word

  3. So much goodness in this post esp the whole “there are no good men out there.” It’s really sad how a lot of single women i come across have this mentality and allow past experiences to dictate to them.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Love how you’re writing regularly well-thought out posts. Keep it up. When I see pastors or other leaders with a niche in single ministry I always think of you. You’ve got a great thing going here.


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