God created me with a big smile and a big heart!
God created me with a unique ability to write and touch others with my words.
He created me to love others, love who I am and grow in love towards Him.
This is who he created me to be, but sometimes I have felt I have to apologize in one way or another for who I am, who I was and who I am becoming.
Looking at me from the outside it may be easy for others to think I don’t have any problems and just because I have a blog and an ability to speak wisdom means I have it all figured out. I have struggles too; and one of them is often feeling like I have had to apologize for being who I am; the good, the bad and the ugly.
I grew up in an environment where often if my opinion was different from others I was shamed or talked down to. There was also a lot of dysfunction in my family which often made me feel ashamed and like I had to apologize for being born into a genetic line that I didn’t even choose. So from a young child into adulthood without saying the specific words aloud, my behavior stated: “I’m sorry I’m this way, or that I come from this family. Somehow it’s my fault”.
As a result as I grew older I often felt like I was responsible for other people and their actions, their problems and on and on, fostering many co-dependent relationships and behaviors within myself and others. It’s taken the last couple of years for me to come to the realization that this is what I was doing. Feeling bad or ashamed of myself for things I couldn’t control; the way I look, my ideas, views, etc.
I’ve dated guys where I have felt like I had to apologize for having certain boundaries, opinions and preferences. Though I couldn’t communicate it at the time in hindsight I can see I was acting in an apologetic manner.
I’m often told I’m too nice, too sensitive, overly analytical and such. I’m not saying that I’m not but I also can’t be who I’m not called to be.
So with all this self-reflection and as I walk with God I have realized that I can only be me. The good, bad and the ugly. Yes, I may be too sensitive at times and over think things but those are the exact same qualities that cause me to have a heart to serve others and change the world through my writing and speaking. I couldn’t do those things without my unique characteristics.
So I’m in a season of learning to be unapologetically me. I don’t think God wants me to spend my life trying to change myself into someone I’m not. I trust He’ll change me to be the way he wants, when and if he wants. I am on a journey of loving myself more and learning how to be proud of who I am.
How different do you think the world would be if we were all proud of who we are? If we didn’t feel like we had to apologize for our misgivings, mistakes, families, race, preferences, physical appearances and the like. The devil loves to shame. Sometimes we do too when we do this to others.
I was reading a post by a friend of mine the other day that talked about how he is proud of the man he is, not necessarily because of his accomplishments in life or any special talents but because he accepts himself, the good and the bad. His post reminds me of a recent one I wrote “How to Love Yourself”. I think being proud of yourself is related to loving yourself.
I think you can be unapologetically you while still working on yourself for the better. Whether that means, losing weight, acquiring a different mindset, growing in your faith or growing in love. You don’t have to be ashamed of where you’re at or where you come from. Others may try to shame you but don’t take the bait.
Won’t you join me on this journey of un-apologetically being who God created you to be?