Back door dating

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Back door dating
(noun/verb)

  1. When two people are dating but there are no clear definitions, expectations or discussion of the status of the relationship. Thus enabling any party to abandon the relationship at any time with no explanation.
  2. Also known as trying to date someone without professing any intention or desire for a relationship with that person; hoping a relationship will just fall into place based on sheer continuous interaction with the person.

I truly think modern dating culture is all jacked up.  There are so many common trends that I see among Christian and non-Christian dating circles that make no sense.  I’ve dated men who professed to be and live a Christian lifestyle and I’ve dated men who haven’t.  The similarities I see between the two are saddening.

For example, both groups of men seem to be anxious to “Netflix and Chill” very quickly, most times before any type of relationship is even established.  Both groups are less likely to plan a fun outing or a nice dinner out and often want to do something based out of sheer convenience for them.

Probably the most frequent common trend I see between both groups of men is the desire to date for a prolonged period of time without expressing any intent to form a lasting relationship.  I’ve noticed that often when I‘m getting to know a guy he’ll call and text, we may go out a few times but he never states his intentions with me.  It’s like he expects that if we keep feeling each other and hanging out things will somehow magically fall in place and we’ll end up dating or maybe in bed or at the alter, who knows?

I expect a guy who’s interested in me to make his intentions clear.  Now I’m not saying the guy has to have heard from God that I’m the one he is supposed to marry but he at least needs to have enough courage to say “Hey I’m interested in getting to know you better,  I think you’re, XYZ” or something of that nature.  I do not respond well to a guy who sends 1000’s texts a day, we talk on the phone a lot, and hang out, but he never makes his intentions clear.  I am not going to assume he’s into me seriously unless he says so.

Because if a guy doesn’t make his intentions clear it makes it too easy for him to go ghost.  Ghost is a term used when someone you’ve been dating and talking to for a while out of the blue stops all forms of communication with no explanation whatsoever.  I’ve been ghosted, my friends have been ghosted and we’re all getting too old for these dumb behaviors.  Do people want to get married or not?  We have to mature and wise up.  You can’t play childish games and look forward into getting into a successful marriage.

It’s getting to the point where I feel I have to initiate the conversation and ask guys what their intentions are.  And I feel that’s already a red flag; I believe a mature man goes after what he wants and makes his intentions known early.

It’s like some guys are hoping that things will just magically fall into place with no communication, planning or establishment of a relationship.  I call this trying to sneak in the back door to get a date.  No, I’m not gonna let you come over to Netflix and Chill and end up on top of you on the couch or in bed, though that’s maybe what you’re hoping.  And maybe, I guess end up in some type of easy stress free relationship though no intentions or expectations were communicated up front.

A while ago a guy who let me know he had a crush on me in high school started contacting me a lot and inviting himself to events I was having.  We hung out a few times but he never voiced any intentions or desire to be in a relationship with me.  But interestingly enough when he got wind of another guy being interested in me he started behaving in a jealous, insecure manner.  My thing is how can you get upset when you didn’t have the courage to establish any type of relationship up front?

I’m disappointed to see sooo many similarities between non-Christian and Christian guys.  But I think pop culture is dictating a lot of our dating, Christian or not.

I think a lot of guys are not confident in pursuing a girl because culture dictates they don’t have to and they are afraid of rejection.  No one likes the feeling of rejection but if you like someone it’s not right to try to get them to like you back without ever voicing your intentions.

I also realize that a lot of guys try to sneak in through the back door because they don’t have the best intentions for the woman they are trying to date, a lot of men do not plan to stick around for one reason or another, so it makes sense that they wouldn’t ask for a relationship up front.

I know telling someone how you feel about them requires a certain amount of vulnerability but all intimate relationships do.  You can’t wait until you 100% know the person feels the exact same way you do before you voice your feelings.  Love just doesn’t work like that.  That’s not loving freely it’s loving conditionally.

Any guy that’s not secure enough to voice his intentions with me is not ready to be my boyfriend.  There’s been times in the past that I’ve dated guys without any discussion of feelings, expectations, etc., but I was much younger.  And when you’re younger, especially college age I think these things just kind of fall in place.  But as you get older and you keep going around the same mountains in life you want to acquire some wisdom.

I sincerely feel a man goes after what he wants.  I know what it’s like to be pursued and Netflix and Chilling ain’t it!

Guys if you’re interested in a girl, have the courage to pursue and state your intent.  Don’t keep trying to sneak in through the back door.

Ladies what are your experiences with this topic?  Fellas—sound off!!!

Love,

Maya

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2 thoughts on “Back door dating

  1. A lot of single men are just lazy… and don’t know how to respectfully approach a real relationship because they’ve never been in one. Plus, a lot of them don’t even want to be in a monogamous relationship that wasn’t perfect for them, if they were honest.
    I think you made a good point that it’s coming to a point where Christians and non-Christians seem to have basically the same values in how they are treating dating relationships. Which shouldn’t be the case. When you know better you should do better. I know even in my pursuit for love, I’ve lowered my standards and expectations, gone against my convictions simply for the sake of companionship. I need to do better.

    Liked by 1 person

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