For the most part I am a big advocate of speaking the truth in love, I believe you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. But every now and then I have to shoot it to you straight. Even Jesus did that from time to time. His words could pierce like a sword.
Please know I am here to help you. I am on your side. But there are some things you must hear. I am not saying you are guilty; you are not already condemned in my book, I am simply asking you to evaluate yourself against the below dating advice and go from there.
This first post is strictly for the ladies, although guys you’re welcome to chime in too. Part 2 will be for the fellas.
First things first. I hear soooo many women complain about how there are no good men. I’m not denying the lack of quality options out there. There are men who state they are looking for something serious but their actions show otherwise. A male friend of mine says that if a man wants to find a serious relationship and is still single well into his 30’s then it might just be something wrong with him, like some un-resolved issue. A man who wants a serious relationship commits. Point-blank-period. There is no questioning of whether he likes you or not. You will know because he will make it known. This brings me to my first point.
Evaluate your choices.
Not your options, your choices. So many women say there are no good men. Where are you looking for them at? The club? The corner? Tinder? Don’t get me wrong genuine love can happen anywhere but that does not mean it will. How intentional are you being about finding the type of person you want to be with? When I look over my failed relationships the common theme is that I made some piss poor choices. No, I didn’t have the best men in my community to choose from, no, I didn’t have the best examples of what love was growing up but I had the power of choice and I exercised it on some fools. You cast your pearls to swine and they will get trampled. It is how the world works; don’t holler no good men and you are out here choosing dogs left and right.
You are not required to provide for and support a male that you did not bring into this world.
You are not dating to acquire a new child you’re dating to find a partner. A partner in life, love and crime (heehee). Someone you can build with, not solely support to the extent that it drains you.
You are not required to fix anybody.
Only work on yourself. You can support, love and encourage others but sometimes you have to do that from a distance. You cannot fix a broken man. A lot of brotha’s out here do not even want to be fixed, just have a 24/7 play day, know the difference.
Healthy and whole men will have their stuff together (and want to have their stuff together) before they pursue a woman seriously.
I know some people get together at 18 and have very little and they are able to build a life together but that is not the norm. If a man is in his 30’s or 40’s and still is looking for a come up then let him keep looking with out your support. There is nothing wrong with having a dream or even lots of them. I live in the City of Dreams but understand the importance of stability. There is nothing wrong with having an honest 9-5 while working on that entrepreneurship hustle. Women want stability. If a man is shifting from job to job, if he’s still living at home with his parents with no plans to leave until you guys move somewhere together, think long and hard about whether you want to bring any children into the world with him. Children need stability, provision and care. There is a difference between a dream and a fantasy. Know which one that man is after.
“Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense.” Proverbs 12:11
You are not required to sacrifice your own happiness, well-being and peace of mind for a man.
This includes physical and sexual safety too. The thing about dating or living together is that you are still single. You are not married, you are still the number one priority in the relationship. Some couples that live together do get married but a lot of them don’t. Then what? If you have spent your time sacrificing all of your needs and wants and the relationship fails you are left alone to pick up the pieces.
I see men doing what makes them happy within a relationship a lot of the time. Why do women feel we do not have a right to do the same thing? Ask yourself why?
You are not called to be anyone’s revolving door relationally.
You know the guy that pops up every now and then and wants to re-kindle some stuff. Your emotional worth is too precious to let people take you up and down like that.
Don’t be afraid to call stuff out.
I once had a guy plan a date for us a few years ago. The day rolled around and I didn’t hear from him. Instead of reaching out I waited. When I heard from him later that week I asked him about the date; he gave some lame excuse about something coming up or our wires being crossed or something. That let me know that he didn’t take me or my time seriously so I was able to quickly move on. When I was younger I would have let it go and still been head over heels for the guy. Make people respect you in the beginning stages. If they can’t/wont they will be out of the picture sooner rather than later.
You determine what they are and how realistic they are. There are times you may have to adjust. What is important to you? Do you even know? I have had many men in the past try to talk me out of my standards and say things like I will always be single because of them. I realized after the fact it was because they knew they could never really have me. A healthy man will respect your standards even if he can’t meet them and not try to manipulate or talk you out of them. Be wary of people who do that.
The healthiest relationships I have had have been with men who are givers. I’m not talking about money necessarily, but in their spirit. They give of their time, advice, love, or support freely. These were not ballers and smooth talkers, they were genuine loving men. One former classmate of mine always has something positive and uplifting to say whenever we connect, another guy I really admire loves on any and everybody as much as said person will let him when he meets people. The healthiest men are not concerned with hoarding their resources, they live to give! And they don’t expect anything in return.
Isn’t that just like Jesus?
I see a lot of people making poor dating choices out in this world. Believe me I have made a bunch. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about growing. I see a lot of women that are dating someone but they aren’t really happy, just holding on to scraps because that’s what the world tells us to do. That we should be happy with any ol piece of a man just because he’s…a man!
If you believe that you are at a disadvantage. And you’re ruining your love life.
Life is a struggle any way you slice it. Don’t add any unnecessary baggage just because you are lonely or you are trying to race a ticking time-clock. And don’t be afraid to tell folks who have something to say just that.
Ladies have you lowered your standards or dated someone you know you shouldn’t have out of loneliness? How do you feel about this blog? I welcome any comments! Let’s discuss!!
Always in Love,
Be sure to come back tomorrow to read Part 2 for the fellas!!!
Want more dating tips? Check out my other blogs: